


the awful edges where you end and i begin

by aestheticzjm



Series: secrets i have held in my heart [3]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Ableist Language, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, M/M, Mentions of Mental Illness, a lot of feelings, and fluff, based off the ending of skam s2, but in this au he goes to even instead of eskild, isak and even just really love each other, soft boys 3.0, where isak's parents split up and he leaves home
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 15:51:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16200710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aestheticzjm/pseuds/aestheticzjm
Summary: It took a few more moments before the door to Even's house opened, and Isak felt a sudden rush of tiredness overcome him at the sight of the older boy, wanting nothing more than to just collapse into his arms. But he kept his distance, chewing on his lower lip as he wrapped an arm around himself instinctively."I'm sorry. I know that we're fighting but I didn't— I didn't know where else to go," He mumbled, voice cracking as he spoke.— or the one in which isak's dad leaves his mom and isak goes to even.





	the awful edges where you end and i begin

**Author's Note:**

> yikes this is probably the most awful thing i have ever written but i really wanted it to be good so i am extremely sorry in advance for anyone reading. :-(  
> but this fic will probably bring the series to an end!! that is, unless anyone wants a smutty fourth part which i may or may not be willing to write. :-) :-) thanks sm for reading! x
> 
> warning for ableist language and mentions of bipolar disorder!!

Isak harshly swiped his arm across his face to get rid of any runaway tears that remained, taking a deep breath in before ringing Even's doorbell. It was freezing that night, and Isak hadn't thought ahead to bring a sweater with him — considering that he had been in such a rush to leave his house — and was therefore only wearing a half-sleeved top. The biting cold was accompanied with showers of rain that felt as if they would never stop, and Isak shivered involuntarily from the cool night air, regretting his decision to not change before leaving his house.

It took a few more moments before the door to Even's house opened, and Isak felt a sudden rush of tiredness overcome him at the sight of the older boy, wanting nothing more than to just collapse into his arms. But he kept his distance, chewing on his lower lip as he wrapped an arm around himself instinctively.

"I'm sorry. I know that we're fighting but I didn't— I didn't know where else to go," He mumbled, voice cracking as he spoke.

Being in a relationship with Even hadn’t quite turned out to be everything that Isak was expecting it to be. There were the good days, where Isak wouldn't trade his life for anything else; but there were also the days where Even just disappeared without so much as a single message from his end.

Isak hated being left in the dark, hated not understanding what was going on with Even or where he was, and it always felt as if he was the only one putting any sort of effort into their relationship. Even would always accept everything that Isak had to say and apologize and repeatedly claim that things were his fault and that it would be best for them to just move on, but Isak knew that the older boy had to be keeping something from him — It was the only explanation for why he just completely went off the grid sometimes, not even bothering to show up to school.

Their most recent fight had occurred only yesterday, when Even finally called Isak up after not being around for a couple of days. Earlier that week, when Isak had showed up to Even's house, looking for answers, as usual, he had been met with nothing but mumbled excuses and averted gazes from his roommates.

"We're not fighting," Even said softly, before he reached over to the side to turn on the light inside of the doorway, eyes widening as he finally got a good look at the younger boy. "Isak, you're shivering. What happened?" Isak felt his eyes well up with tears again as he stared at the older boy, unsure of what to say. Even quickly rushed him inside, instantly engulfing the smaller boy with his warmth before he closed the door behind them.

The next few minutes felt like a blur to Isak, as Even took him into his room and gingerly helped to peel off all of his soaked clothes and replace them with Even's own clothes, which were always warm and soft. He did this slowly and carefully as Isak tried his best to keep more tears from escaping his eyes, not a single word spoken between the two as Even finished undressing and redressing him.

Even led Isak to his bed after he was finished, and the two lay down, with Isak immediately feeling a hundred shades better — simply from the warm clothes and Even's even warmer presence.

"Isak," Even said pointedly, effectively breaking the silence. They were laying down, facing each other, but Isak kept his gaze down, unsure if he could meet the older's eyes without beginning to cry again. "I don't even know what I'm doing here. I should've just gone to Jonas'." The blonde said softly, although he made no attempt to shift away from Even, instead doing the opposite and moving a little closer to him.

"What happened?" Even repeated slowly, tentatively lifting a hand so that he could comb his fingers through the younger's hair. A soft sigh left Isak's lips, leaning into the older's touch as he continued to absently brush his fingers through Isak's curls. Isak waited for a moment, to see if Even would give up and just let them go to sleep without talking about it first, but his pointed gaze remained.

"It's my fucking mom," Isak finally said, harsh words breaking the soft atmosphere that had developed between them. "She's had another episode and my dad— he's left her. He's left  _us_ ," Isak's voice broke and he sniffled, all of his hurt shining through him, as evident as it would ever be.

"He said that he would find a place that could take care of her, someone with more knowledge than the both of us, but I can't live with him  _alone_. I know that she's crazy, but he can't just send her off to some expensive facility like that — I think that they both fucking forget that I'm only sixteen and I don't know how to deal with all of this. I couldn't stay there tonight, Even. Not after all of the shit that he said to me."

Even took his lower lip in between his teeth as he watched Isak, eyes flickering down so that their eyes were no longer meeting. He looked as if he wanted to say something but Isak continued to talk, considering that this was the first chance that he was getting to let out some steam.

"Why couldn't I just have been born with normal parents? With a father that wasn't such a dickhead all the time and a mother who wasn't so psychotic? She's fucking crazy, I swear to God. And it's gotten so bad that the only thing my father could think of was to send her away and pretend she doesn't exist. That's so fucked," As Isak drew in a harsh breath, his eyebrows knitted down into a slight frown at Even's silence.

"Aren't you going to say something? You could at least lie and tell me that things are going to be okay," Isak watched as Even finally lifted his gaze so that their eyes were meeting, chewing on his lower lip, and looking as if he was contemplating about whether or not to say something.

"Isak… I'm bipolar." It was as if Isak's entire world had been knocked off kilter. "What?" Isak asked slowly, his own voice sounding foreign to him. Although they both knew that the younger boy had heard the older's words, loud and clear, Even repeated himself, looking as if he would rather be anywhere else at that moment.  

Isak recalled the little that he had previously heard about the disorder before — flashes of the words  _mania_ and  _depression_  entering his mind and making Isak's head spin. "What— why didn’t you tell me about this earlier?" The blonde questioned, attempting to keep his voice neutral but already knowing that his voice was quivering terribly.

"I just— when you told me about your mom and everything that's happened with her, I didn't… I didn't know how to spring it on you. I felt like there was never a right time and every time that I wanted to, you would say something about how much you hated her or how you wished she wasn't in your life and I didn't want to be that for you. I didn't want to be another burden you had to deal with but… I just can't keep it from you anymore. I'm sorry."

Isak stilled at the older's words, his mind going blank at the sheer familiarity of them. He remembered, during the times he used to hang out with Elias and Jonas, when the former would say something homophobic while Jonas just laughed — the words, "I think I like boys," were always on the tip of Isak's tongue but he never had the courage to say them, because he didn't know how either of them would react. Instead, he would push down the knot that tugged at his throat and laugh along, because he didn't know what else he was supposed to do. He had sworn to himself, that he would never put anyone else in that position; simply because he knew how difficult it was. And here he was, having forced Even to hide what was undoubtedly a significant part of his identity. The realization made a fresh bout of tears escape Isak's eyes and he let out a harsh breath, chest heaving with the force of his next sob.

"Fuck, I didn't mean to make you cry again. I understand if you don't want to be with me right now. My roommate is out for the night so you could just stay in his room. Or I can go and you could—" Even continued to babble on, insecurity bleeding through his words.

Isak leaned forward to press their lips together, effectively cutting Even off. The older's eyebrows knitted down into a frown of confusion, and Isak tried to smile, albeit it being a rather teary one.

"Even, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I should be the one saying sorry for ever making you feel like you'd have to hide a part of yourself from me. I hope you know that I would never intentionally make you feel like there's something wrong with you."

Even nodded, eyes flickering down in a way that made him look so much younger than he was. Isak took note of how tired the older boy looked, skin pale, dark circles beneath his eyes, drawn out demeanor — although he was as beautiful as always, he looked as if he hadn't slept in days and Isak couldn't help but feel guilty for possibly being the reason.

"I know you wouldn't. But you've gotta understand, whether it's me or your mom, it hurts, yeah? I shouldn't have kept it from you for so long, but I didn't know what else to do."

Isak mirrored the older's nod, lifting an arm to wipe his tears away from his eyes. Everything that he said was true, and Isak had always known, in the back of his mind, that the way he perceived his mother wasn't right — but it was hard to apply that mindset to his real life, especially when it was like she never seemed to make an effort for him and his father.

"I'm sorry, Even. I don't even deserve someone like you, honestly," Tears once again welled in the younger's eyes at the thought of losing Even, and he shook his head, chewing down on his lower lip. The thought was too much to bear and Isak decided to change the topic, doing his best to keep his words steady. "So, when you left me… when you stopped showing up to school, that was—?"

"I was depressed. Or manic. I had my roommates keep me away, because I just knew I would fuck things up between us if you saw me like that. I forget sometimes, how young you are — but I knew that you wouldn't be able to handle something so hard to deal with, definitely not at this age."

"God," Isak breathed out, every missing puzzle piece suddenly clicking into placed in his mind. Every day of school that Even had missed, the few times when they were together and Isak noticed that Even wasn't quite  _there_ , when he had this faraway look in his eye that the younger boy didn't understand.

"I'm sorry for making you feel like that, Even. I don’t — God, I don't know what I'd be without you," Isak breathed out, unable to help the next stream of tears that left his eyes.

"Hey," Even said softly, leaning forward so he could absently twirl one of the younger's curls around his fingers. He then reached over to press his thumb against the smaller boy's cheek, wiping away a tear. "You would still be yourself, Isak. And I won't leave you now. Not anytime soon, for sure. Not when you mean so much to me."

"I don't ever want you to leave me," Isak admitted quietly, distantly hoping that he wasn't putting too much of himself out on display. He had never been this open about his feelings for someone before, but he knew that the older boy would never take advantage of his vulnerability.

"You are not alone, Isak. I know that you might feel like you are, sometimes, but I promise that you're not."

Isak nodded, leaning forward so that the older boy could wrap his arms around him and pull him into an embrace. It was a much needed hug, and Isak sniffled into the soft fabric of Even's sweater, feeling more loved than he ever had before. Of course he had his parents, and his friends, but being with Even made him feel appreciated in a way that he had never felt with anyone else before. It was like the older boy had somehow put all the broken pieces of him back together, and Isak felt terrible for not having realized that maybe Even was broken himself.

"I love you, Isak." It was the first time that the older boy had ever said those words to him and Isak wasn't quite sure how to feel about it, nuzzling in closer to his chest because he didn't want Even to see him crying so much. He shifted back so that he could press their lips together. Even didn't protest, kissing him sweetly, while reaching a hand up to caress the younger's cheekbone.

Isak pulled away, only a little bit, so that they could rub their noses against each other gently. Although he wasn't completely sure if he was ready to use the word  _love_  at that very moment, he knew it was practically at the tip of his tongue. And as the older boy smiled at him, the same beautiful smile that Isak had fallen for on their first night spent together, Isak knew that he wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

 


End file.
